It’s February 2008 and yet another 7-year relationship bites the dust. Of course, it is absolutely not my fault! It’s just that, once again, I’ve picked the wrong woman to invest in.

One day soon, I really will find that special someone who will truly love me. And I’ll know this because she’ll do what I want when I want, and will automatically know all of this without me telling her. What I’m looking for, in fact, is a selfless mind-reader. I can say this now with tongue-in-cheek, but this was how I actually thought about my relationships; ‘Real love’ is this way. It just isn’t fair I’m on my own. I’m unlucky in love. Poor me.

And I would have continued to be oblivious to this state of affairs, but for the fact I finally took up a friend’s long-standing suggestion to get some coaching. Wow, did things start to move! I noticed the constant commentary in my mind about how life was going – FYI it rarely came up with a positive conclusion! I realised that I usually heard a lover’s happy
recollections as criticism of me because I just wasn’t good enough. And perhaps most importantly of all, I started to see the strategies I used to get love and prove how much I was loved.

A new relationship would always be amazing. We were ‘together’, life was great and the world was a wonderful place to be. And then the doubts and negative thoughts would creep in. Is this too good to be true? Could this fantastic woman, really love me?

To test it out. I’d throw little hand grenades into the relationship. If she learned to deal with my minor over reactions, I just threw in bigger and more volatile love bombs! When my ex mentioned how much she missed her annual two-week holiday to the Caribbean – the one she used to take with her ex-husband – I would hear this as why can’t you afford to take me? I’d get upset, we’d argue and then I’d throw in my hand grenade – I’m leaving! When she cried and begged me to stay, I knew she cared and all was good. Eventually, of course,
she had enough of the histrionics and the relationship exploded – as had all the others before. I was upset, but I was right – There you are you see, I knew she didn’t love me!

My insecurity and a constant need to feel loved meant I had found a sure fire way to get my partners to prove it. The people around me knew it, but I genuinely had no idea that my failed relationships were largely down to me.

This insight changed my world. I started to notice when I was about to drop in an incendiary comment and found that I could stop myself from pulling out the proverbial pin. It wasn’t easy at first, but the more I held back, the more I saw my partner’s genuine affection for me. And I learned to be with her simply because she added something wonderful to my already satisfying life, not just because of my need to feel loved.

With my hand grenades all but deactivated, I soon found what I was looking for and in August 2013, I married my amazing wife. I don’t need to test her love and she doesn’t have to do anything to prove it to me. I just know it’s there – and she does too.

A little over a year ago, I was promoted into a newly-created management position that elevated me above several former peers and significantly increased the number of direct reports in my group. In thinking about what I wanted to accomplish in my new role, as well as my longer-term professional goals, I felt it would be helpful to have a partner who could help me define and pursue a clear path for myself going forward.

After David and I began working together, we conducted  feedback surveys. The themes that emerged from the interviews with my coworkers helped me better appreciate my core strengths. They also helped me become aware of a few development opportunities I was ready to tackle. Our early conversations also helped me identify some personal growth objectives, including strategically expanding my network both within and outside the company and achieving a healthier work-life balance.

During my work with David, I began setting and enforcing stronger boundaries around my time and priorities. I also reached out to co-workers in other departments to build stronger relationships that would expand my understanding of the organisation as a whole so I could lead my own department more strategically. Giving my direct reports the latitude to take on greater responsibilities allowed me to expand my focus beyond the day-to-day operations of my group.

As a result, I was able to spend more time on departmental and organisational strategy rather than transactional activities that my employees could easily address and resolve.
After just nine months in that job, I was promoted.  In my new position, I continue to find my work with David valuable. With his assistance and expertise, I am able to hone in on my yearly goals as well as take incremental action to ensure my future goals come to fruition.

Director, compliance, education management

My stress levels were high with a demanding full-time job, two young children, a wife suffering regular bouts of depression and having just moved house.  My confidence was low and my current job didn’t make me feel a success – nor did my role as a father.  I’d lost sight of where I was going in my life.  I realised I was too hard on myself and needed to make career choices that would bring satisfaction and financial security.

In the coaching we looked at what made me feel fulfilled and how I could start to bring this into my work life. I learnt that my expectations of myself were totally unrealistic and just added to my negative feelings.  With David’s help I discovered how to make my expectations of myself more realistic so I could begin to feel a success again.  David helped me tackle my fears so I could overcome my procrastination and start to take some positive steps with my career.

I began to feel much more positive about myself and about my life, because I was doing something to improve things.  My relationships grew stronger, and I got on top of my finances for the first time.  After years of being unhappy in my job, I’d discovered what would make me happy, and gained the confidence to find a new career as a special needs teacher.

I have very much valued working with David – the sessions have been excellent.  I value her combination of kindness and sympathy and straight-forwardness.  I could never have imagined feeling this empowered and this me or making so much progress in so little time.  I gained the confidence to start out on a new path in my life which I am finding scary, challenging and immensely rewarding. I can’t believe what I’ve achieved!

Chris, Teacher