If you’re the parent of a teen, you may feel like one day they went to bed and woke up with a totally different personality.

Whereas before they were sweet, helpful and easy-to-handle, now they are suddenly uncommunicative, messy, rebellious and rude.

Don’t panic! While many parents are surprised and often stressed out by the changes that teens go through upon hitting puberty, it’s important to recognise that most of this behaviour is totally normal.

• There’s a whole host of behaviours that your teen may begin to exhibit.
• They may stop listening to you or refuse to comply with simple requests.
• They may take more – or less interest – in their appearance.
• They may become less interested in school and achieving.
• They’re likely to start taking an interest in sex.
• They may even begin to dabble in smoking, drugs or alcohol.

None of this is any reflection on you as parent. Your teen is beginning to express themself as an independent person. They are pushing boundaries and wanting to try out new and different things.

So what can you do?

• Reassure them about what they are going through and acknowledge how difficult this time is for them.
• Negotiate boundaries ‘with’ them, as opposed to ‘telling’ them what to do. Teens tend to be much more responsive to discussions including them, rather than rules that dictate to them.
• Many parents try stopping their teen making valuable mistakes that are healthy to their development. It’s important you don’t constrict their freedom so much that they can’t learn lessons for themselves.
• Try to talk to your teen about sex. You may both find this awkward, but it’s crucial they know how to avoid making silly mistakes.
• Check they aren’t being bullied, and keep communication open with them.
• Try to understand what they might be going through… and try to remember what it was like for you at this age.

 When should you start to worry?

Of course, it’s also important to be able to notice the real signs of trouble. Some behaviour is unacceptable – even if your teen is going through a period of change. If they are acting in the following ways, it may be time to intervene.

• If your teen becomes violent towards you, or other family members, this is not OK.
• If your teen is getting into trouble and committing illegal offences talk to them about the consequences of their actions.
• Regular truancy from school can mean your teen is experiencing problems.

What can you do if you think your teenager might be going down a bad path? 

Talk to your teen about risks and consequences. Make sure they understand that what they’re doing isn’t acceptable, and that now they’re growing up, they need to start taking responsibility for their actions.

• Offer your support. Find out if something is troubling them. Bad behaviour is often the symptom of a problem they’re struggling to deal with.
• Be a good role model. After all, one of the biggest influences on your teen’s development is you.
• Discuss boundaries and rules.  If they feel they’re unfair, ask what they feel is reasonable and fair, and try negotiating these with them.
• Get support for yourself. It’s important that you make sure that you have all the help you need too. Ask family and friends for help if you’re struggling to cope – or talk to a life coach.

How long will this go on for?

Because the rate of growth in teens is so variable, it’s impossible to know how long this period will last. It could be months, or it could be years.

And while that may be frustrating, remember they will come out of the other side – and that’s when you’ll see the benefits of the support, reassurance and boundaries that you provided.

How can I help?

If you need more information or advice on dealing with changes in your teen visit my website or email me on info@certuscoaching.co.uk.

It’s February 2008 and yet another 7-year relationship bites the dust. Of course, it is absolutely not my fault! It’s just that, once again, I’ve picked the wrong woman to invest in.

One day soon, I really will find that special someone who will truly love me. And I’ll know this because she’ll do what I want when I want, and will automatically know all of this without me telling her. What I’m looking for, in fact, is a selfless mind-reader. I can say this now with tongue-in-cheek, but this was how I actually thought about my relationships; ‘Real love’ is this way. It just isn’t fair I’m on my own. I’m unlucky in love. Poor me.

And I would have continued to be oblivious to this state of affairs, but for the fact I finally took up a friend’s long-standing suggestion to get some coaching. Wow, did things start to move! I noticed the constant commentary in my mind about how life was going – FYI it rarely came up with a positive conclusion! I realised that I usually heard a lover’s happy
recollections as criticism of me because I just wasn’t good enough. And perhaps most importantly of all, I started to see the strategies I used to get love and prove how much I was loved.

A new relationship would always be amazing. We were ‘together’, life was great and the world was a wonderful place to be. And then the doubts and negative thoughts would creep in. Is this too good to be true? Could this fantastic woman, really love me?

To test it out. I’d throw little hand grenades into the relationship. If she learned to deal with my minor over reactions, I just threw in bigger and more volatile love bombs! When my ex mentioned how much she missed her annual two-week holiday to the Caribbean – the one she used to take with her ex-husband – I would hear this as why can’t you afford to take me? I’d get upset, we’d argue and then I’d throw in my hand grenade – I’m leaving! When she cried and begged me to stay, I knew she cared and all was good. Eventually, of course,
she had enough of the histrionics and the relationship exploded – as had all the others before. I was upset, but I was right – There you are you see, I knew she didn’t love me!

My insecurity and a constant need to feel loved meant I had found a sure fire way to get my partners to prove it. The people around me knew it, but I genuinely had no idea that my failed relationships were largely down to me.

This insight changed my world. I started to notice when I was about to drop in an incendiary comment and found that I could stop myself from pulling out the proverbial pin. It wasn’t easy at first, but the more I held back, the more I saw my partner’s genuine affection for me. And I learned to be with her simply because she added something wonderful to my already satisfying life, not just because of my need to feel loved.

With my hand grenades all but deactivated, I soon found what I was looking for and in August 2013, I married my amazing wife. I don’t need to test her love and she doesn’t have to do anything to prove it to me. I just know it’s there – and she does too.

A little over a year ago, I was promoted into a newly-created management position that elevated me above several former peers and significantly increased the number of direct reports in my group. In thinking about what I wanted to accomplish in my new role, as well as my longer-term professional goals, I felt it would be helpful to have a partner who could help me define and pursue a clear path for myself going forward.

After David and I began working together, we conducted  feedback surveys. The themes that emerged from the interviews with my coworkers helped me better appreciate my core strengths. They also helped me become aware of a few development opportunities I was ready to tackle. Our early conversations also helped me identify some personal growth objectives, including strategically expanding my network both within and outside the company and achieving a healthier work-life balance.

During my work with David, I began setting and enforcing stronger boundaries around my time and priorities. I also reached out to co-workers in other departments to build stronger relationships that would expand my understanding of the organisation as a whole so I could lead my own department more strategically. Giving my direct reports the latitude to take on greater responsibilities allowed me to expand my focus beyond the day-to-day operations of my group.

As a result, I was able to spend more time on departmental and organisational strategy rather than transactional activities that my employees could easily address and resolve.
After just nine months in that job, I was promoted.  In my new position, I continue to find my work with David valuable. With his assistance and expertise, I am able to hone in on my yearly goals as well as take incremental action to ensure my future goals come to fruition.

Director, compliance, education management

My stress levels were high with a demanding full-time job, two young children, a wife suffering regular bouts of depression and having just moved house.  My confidence was low and my current job didn’t make me feel a success – nor did my role as a father.  I’d lost sight of where I was going in my life.  I realised I was too hard on myself and needed to make career choices that would bring satisfaction and financial security.

In the coaching we looked at what made me feel fulfilled and how I could start to bring this into my work life. I learnt that my expectations of myself were totally unrealistic and just added to my negative feelings.  With David’s help I discovered how to make my expectations of myself more realistic so I could begin to feel a success again.  David helped me tackle my fears so I could overcome my procrastination and start to take some positive steps with my career.

I began to feel much more positive about myself and about my life, because I was doing something to improve things.  My relationships grew stronger, and I got on top of my finances for the first time.  After years of being unhappy in my job, I’d discovered what would make me happy, and gained the confidence to find a new career as a special needs teacher.

I have very much valued working with David – the sessions have been excellent.  I value her combination of kindness and sympathy and straight-forwardness.  I could never have imagined feeling this empowered and this me or making so much progress in so little time.  I gained the confidence to start out on a new path in my life which I am finding scary, challenging and immensely rewarding. I can’t believe what I’ve achieved!

Chris, Teacher